Home for the Holidays: A Mental Health Guide to Surviving (and Maybe Even Enjoying) Family Time
The holidays can bring out the best in us and the most deeply embedded versions of us. No matter how much work we've done on ourselves, many of us find that the moment we walk through the door of our family home, we’re transported back into old roles, old patterns, and old dynamics that feel impossible to shake.
This is normal and it’s predictable, which means it’s something you can plan for.
Think of the holidays like relapse-prevention season: a time when you’re temporarily surrounded by people, places, and routines that can activate the most outdated versions of yourself. Whether you’re working on sobriety, healing your nervous system, or trying not to become the family caretaker (or the vengeful teenager you swore you outgrew), having a plan can make the difference between a draining visit and a manageable — maybe even meaningful — one.
Here’s how to support your mental health while navigating holiday family time.
1. Accept That Family Systems Pull You Back In
When you go home, your family doesn't respond to the current you — they respond to the historical you. Everyone reverts a little because this is how family systems work.
Old survival behaviors that were adaptive in childhood (keeping the peace, shutting down emotionally, always being helpful, avoiding conflict) can show up again because your nervous system learned those patterns when you were young.
The question becomes: How do you “stay in recovery” from the dysfunctional behaviors that helped you survive then, but harm you now?
The answer: You prepare.
2. Map Out Your Trip Like a Safety Plan
Before you book anything, ask yourself: How long is healthy for me? Just because you’ve stayed 10 days every year doesn’t mean you have to do that again. If seven days is your limit before the resentment or anxiety kicks in, honor that.
A few practical planning questions:
What’s your emergency exit plan? If things become unbearable, think of what you might need. Will you need access to a rental car? Can you purchase a refundable flight?
Where will you stay? Your childhood bedroom may activate every version of yourself you’ve outgrown. Consider booking an Airbnb or hotel. Having your own space lets you wake up on your own terms and return to a parasympathetic, grounded state each night so you can re-enter family time recharged and centered.
Who’s your on-call support system? Think ahead of time: who is the friend you could text to check in for a supportive word, the sponsor or group you can visit locally, or your therapist who knows you’re traveling and can provide extra check-ins via phone or video call.
Considering these choices in advance will help you greatly when you’re in the moment.
3. Know Your Triggers (and the stories you tell)
In recovery circles, there’s a phrase: “People, places, and things” to help people recognize what might trigger a relapse for them. And during the holidays, those can all be triggers.
Some activators come from painful memories. But others come from longing. There may be a part of you that remembers the rare holiday when everything went beautifully and believes, “It could be like that again.”
That part isn’t wrong for hoping, but it has the potential to set you up for disappointment.
Let yourself name:
Which people are most draining?
Which routines pull you into old roles?
Which expectations are you secretly holding?
Awareness of these will help illuminate the spaces that may need support, boundaries or avoidance.
You can expect to be activated to some degree, and don't beat yourself up when that happens. It’s absolutely OK if you prepare and still find it really challenging. Be compassionate with yourself if/when things go sideways and ask for space from the internal critic who might say “you've healed so much, come so far, why are you acting like a child again....”
Let’s learn and adjust for next time.
4. Stay Ahead of HALT
One of the simplest, most powerful mental-health tools is “HALT” — Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Most holiday meltdowns start here.
Before you go into any gathering, ask:
Have I eaten something nourishing?
Did I sleep enough?
Do I need to take a walk or get space?
Do I need a connection before facing disconnection?
And regarding food: If your family eats or drinks in ways that don’t work for you anymore, plan ahead. Bring your own snacks. Choose your beverages. Protect your body so your nervous system can stay grounded.
5. Bring Your Skills Into the Room With You
You’ve grown since childhood, so bring that growth with you.
A few helpful tools:
Polyvagal-based grounding exercises (long exhales, noticing things in your surroundings, gentle movement).
Self-talk scripts (“I can pause,” “I don’t need to convince anyone,” “My worth is not up for debate.”)
Exit strategies (“I need a quick walk,” “I’m going to get some air.”)
Think of your skills like armor that will protect and support you.
6. Consider a Service-Oriented Mindset
If you’re prone to feeling like a victim in family spaces, focusing outward can relieve pressure. This isn’t about self-sacrifice or abandoning boundaries. It is about shifting from “What can they do for me?” to “What energy do I want to bring into the room?”
If you’re prone to doing everything for everyone, scaling back is the healthy move.
Ask yourself:
Can I show up in a way that aligns with who I am now?
Can I make this visit less about old grievances and more about connection?
Or would my healthiest move be… not going?
Which leads to the next point.
7. It’s Okay to Sit This One Out
You’re not required to attend every holiday. And you’re not required to recreate traditions that no longer support your well-being.
Sometimes the bravest choice is staying home, spending time in the nurturing environment you’ve created for yourself, or enjoying a holiday rhythm with friends or chosen family.
This can be your permission slip to assess what you need, not what’s expected.
8. Get Extra Support if You Need It
The holidays bring a huge influx of stress for almost everyone. If you’re managing recovery from substances, food issues, trauma responses, or family enmeshment, support matters even more.
Options that help:
12-step meetings in the city you’re visiting (great excuse to leave the house).
Group programs or holiday-specific support through treatment centers.
Coordinating with your therapist — most are flexible around holidays and can plan extra sessions or messaging check-ins.
Let your support system know you may be checking in more often, or find out when they might be available for a facetime
The bottom line is this: You don’t have to grin and bear the holidays alone.
9. Decide Who You Want to Be This Year
The holidays give you a choice: Do you want to bring your default settings — the ones formed in childhood — or the person you’ve worked hard to become?
Controlling your family isn’t possible, but controlling your inner state is.
A grounded, regulated, boundaried version of you will navigate things very differently from the activated, exhausted, or resentful version.
Pick who you’re bringing home.
The holidays don’t have to feel like walking into the lion’s den.
With planning, support, and realistic expectations, you can stay connected to yourself — even when surrounded by the people who knew you before you knew who you were.
If being home is healing, enjoy it. If it’s complicated, prepare for it. And if it’s harmful, protect yourself from it.
You get to choose how you move through this season.
For more support, please visit us at https://www.sohopsychotherapy.com/